Trying to Catch Up

I see her in my mind, I feel her in my chest, I see her in the girls I watch passing by. The knots in my gut remind me of the all the time I've wasted just living off of my excuses. Half-assing a life, spending my days daydreaming of what I hope to become. Maybe magically I'd wake up one day and I'd be her. And I guess It's taken me until 23 and a really horrible year of being slapped upside my head to finally get moving. Get living. Get creating.

So here's a photo of 23 year old me. Full of regret for who she wished she already was. Hoping she'll get there before she's missed out too much or messed up yet again. Running through her days to create the life she knew she deserved. Trying to catch up to everybody else.

Lesons In Regret

I met you and I was drawn to who you were. I wanted to get to know you. Like I had to get to know you. But I said yes before I was ready. I said yes when I was a mess and desperate for a friend. Desperate for love. I was only able to show you pieces of who I was. There was too much fear in my mind and in my gut to show you all of me. To be pure, and free, and real.

And that night, the night that it ended, I was on my way to apologize. For acting like an idiot, for reacting out of character. For being selfish in your time of need. But it was too late and you had made your choice. - And that’s where the regret lies. If I’d only kept my anxieties at bay a little more. If I had acknowledged my ridiculousness a little sooner, maybe It could’ve been something different. Maybe it could’ve been an adventure - we could’ve laughed more, and seen more and been more - It could’ve meant more.

And in the weeks that followed the desperation of my loneliness only grew. And with it so did my fears, I wasn't good enough. My thoughts began over analyzing themselves. My awkward stares and words and greetings tripped over themselves like a drunken fool. With every word I irritated myself more, Shut up, Shut up. Shut up. Why didn't you want me? Why didn't you want to give us another chance? And that's where the regret lies - In the over thought ways of my ego. Taking over and making it worse. 

That weekend we went to enlighten our souls on 5th street. I wasn't nervous. I didn't over think it. I was just there. And you were there. And we had fun. And I saw you start to think... maybe?... Or  was that just wishful thinking. I was seeing our friendship as something more than you did. And really, I still wasn't ready for you. I'm still not ready for you - I'm not ready for anyone. And that's where the regret lies. I'm ill prepared.

So now- I'm allowing things to unfold how they may. And maybe sometime sooner or later we'll be at a place where we want to give it another shot... Or maybe that was all it was and ever will be, a lesson. And lessons are good.

*Written 6.20.14*

That Part of It

This is just the hard part of it. The rebuilding part of it. The “learning to let go” part of it. The “ridding myself of nasty habits” part of it... This is just the shitty part of it. And it's the part I usually run from. The anxiety, the loneliness, the reality. This is when I usually say I'm going to grow but instead become paralyzed by my fear and excuses. This is when I usually hide away in fantasies of a world where everything is exactly how I want it to be. And it's gotten me exactly where I've always been - lost in the cycle.

This time, I'm going to do it differently. No running or excuses. Just feeling how I feel and allowing myself to grow through the fear rather than give in to it. This time I'm going to lean in to the shitty days rather than run from it. Because after the hard part of it comes the best part of it.

Six Months

Six months ago I was on cloud 9. I was so ready to attack this year with change and passion and wholehearted excitement for opportunity and adventure. Then, suddenly, I chose broke up with my boyfriend. And my excitement for the year to come quickly turned to fear of being alone and fear of failing... I was engulfed in a sea of fear. Constant anxiety, constantly pulsating though my veins.- And then I started to date a guy. And we really liked each other. But when you’re burdened by such drastic change and you’re left without a sense of community one tends to act like a desperate, needy, awkward, hot mess. And that’s what I was- a hot mess. I wasn't myself. And when that ended I was unable to ignore issues I had left unattended for so long.

And now I'm here - six months after the start of the year and I am ready to leave it behind. I'm ready to leave that version I've myself behind. Years like this are what change is made of. Sometimes we need to fall on our faces to finally get it. You almost need a call to arms to work through it and go to war with your inner demons. And that's what I'm doing. Moving forward. Finally, working out those things, those fears, those bad habits.

I'm choosing to turn a shitty year, full of regret and fear, into a learning experience, as opposed to collapsing into the pressure and ending off worse for it.- And I'm writing this as a reminder to myself for the next time I want to give up. Because it's fucking hard. But I'm taking one step forward, then three steps back... Then getting back up and taking another step in the right direction until I've gotten to where I want to be. That's my vow for the next six months. - Get better.