Lesons In Regret

I met you and I was drawn to who you were. I wanted to get to know you. Like I had to get to know you. But I said yes before I was ready. I said yes when I was a mess and desperate for a friend. Desperate for love. I was only able to show you pieces of who I was. There was too much fear in my mind and in my gut to show you all of me. To be pure, and free, and real.

And that night, the night that it ended, I was on my way to apologize. For acting like an idiot, for reacting out of character. For being selfish in your time of need. But it was too late and you had made your choice. - And that’s where the regret lies. If I’d only kept my anxieties at bay a little more. If I had acknowledged my ridiculousness a little sooner, maybe It could’ve been something different. Maybe it could’ve been an adventure - we could’ve laughed more, and seen more and been more - It could’ve meant more.

And in the weeks that followed the desperation of my loneliness only grew. And with it so did my fears, I wasn't good enough. My thoughts began over analyzing themselves. My awkward stares and words and greetings tripped over themselves like a drunken fool. With every word I irritated myself more, Shut up, Shut up. Shut up. Why didn't you want me? Why didn't you want to give us another chance? And that's where the regret lies - In the over thought ways of my ego. Taking over and making it worse. 

That weekend we went to enlighten our souls on 5th street. I wasn't nervous. I didn't over think it. I was just there. And you were there. And we had fun. And I saw you start to think... maybe?... Or  was that just wishful thinking. I was seeing our friendship as something more than you did. And really, I still wasn't ready for you. I'm still not ready for you - I'm not ready for anyone. And that's where the regret lies. I'm ill prepared.

So now- I'm allowing things to unfold how they may. And maybe sometime sooner or later we'll be at a place where we want to give it another shot... Or maybe that was all it was and ever will be, a lesson. And lessons are good.

*Written 6.20.14*